Despretly

I soooo ROCk. i got a 15cent raise at work today (60-day evaluation, 8 months later lol). At least it was a good start to my day. kinda, cept, now i'm down again. i just wish i could get out of this mood, i'm so depressed and i just ugh i hate this. i hate that it helps...

i hate that it's come to this. it's not like i'm proud of myself for it but fuck it, i accept it. maybe that's just good enough.

i didnt see him much yesterday, none really b/c when i did,doesnt count. will i see him today? probably not. so, does this confirm my fear that i am only here when theres nothing else? His friends are always so much more important, all of the time. i don't know if i admire his loyalty to them or loathe him for not showing me the same?
I'm just so... tired.
so tired of the arguing, and i know that its over.
i hate that he's making me be the bad guy, but i have to pack his stuff, and i have to be done.
its not worth fighting for.
he's not.

i guess i'm kinda stupid for not listening to my friends. i just, i swear i thought i saw something good, he's such a good guy if he'd just let it out, but he doesnt want to be that guy and its a choice. i just miss my friend thats all.
i told him, but he argued and promised, that no matter what, we'd survive as friends. he couldn't even look at me that day. he asked me, "what, did you expect me to love you forever?" well... no.. i guess i just thought we had a little longer.

after tomorrows camping extravaganza (yes...it was all derek's idea...and yes, we're going to end up with pnemonia...) i know its done. i just one this one last...one last time you know? a night to say goodbye?
he'll say it's not right, he'll argue that it's not what he wants.
i hope.

Foolish

"My days are cold without you, but i'm hurting while i'm with you & though my heart can't take anymore, I just keep running back to you."
"All of the things that we accept will be the things that we regret.... "

So, all my life i've heard people say, "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back then it's ment to be". i wonder if that's true. What if they don't come back. Then what do you do? so what if they may not be "the one" that doesnt mean you don't deeply love them.
If I let him go i'm not sure if he'd come back. and i can't remember how to live without him. how pathetic am i? i've completly went from Courtney (strong and independant) to being a whiny, jealous, worried, crybaby, overemotional Courtney. I have never, ever, experienced rage like the rage he brings out in me and sometimes i think i'm loosing it. I feel like i'm a stranger in my own head. I just want to take control again, to not give a flying fuck if i'm single or not because no guy could rule my world. to be strong again. i wish he wouldnt lie to me. i know he is. i'm weak, not stupid. i would tell any other person to dump this asshole because noone should put up with it, its not worth it and neither is he if thats how he is. and i comepletly believe that, so why cant i follow my own advice. I know he's probably not going to be the person i'm with for the rest of my life, but i still hold on so tight to him because i dont know how to be me anymore. and i love him so much and it hurts anytime hes around, which is all the time.
i hate being stressed. all these emotions make me tired. i wish i'd be back to normal.

i've been thinking alot lately about whether or not if i could, if i would go back in time and changed it. i would never have kissed him back. I would have never believed him. i would never have gotten pregnant, and he wouldnt have hurt me and we could just be best friends again.

someone should realllyyy hurry up and build a timemachine.