Despretly

I soooo ROCk. i got a 15cent raise at work today (60-day evaluation, 8 months later lol). At least it was a good start to my day. kinda, cept, now i'm down again. i just wish i could get out of this mood, i'm so depressed and i just ugh i hate this. i hate that it helps...

i hate that it's come to this. it's not like i'm proud of myself for it but fuck it, i accept it. maybe that's just good enough.

i didnt see him much yesterday, none really b/c when i did,doesnt count. will i see him today? probably not. so, does this confirm my fear that i am only here when theres nothing else? His friends are always so much more important, all of the time. i don't know if i admire his loyalty to them or loathe him for not showing me the same?
I'm just so... tired.
so tired of the arguing, and i know that its over.
i hate that he's making me be the bad guy, but i have to pack his stuff, and i have to be done.
its not worth fighting for.
he's not.

i guess i'm kinda stupid for not listening to my friends. i just, i swear i thought i saw something good, he's such a good guy if he'd just let it out, but he doesnt want to be that guy and its a choice. i just miss my friend thats all.
i told him, but he argued and promised, that no matter what, we'd survive as friends. he couldn't even look at me that day. he asked me, "what, did you expect me to love you forever?" well... no.. i guess i just thought we had a little longer.

after tomorrows camping extravaganza (yes...it was all derek's idea...and yes, we're going to end up with pnemonia...) i know its done. i just one this one last...one last time you know? a night to say goodbye?
he'll say it's not right, he'll argue that it's not what he wants.
i hope.